grossly sincere

The final day of 2024 is here, and I simply must reflect on the year that has passed.

Each year comes with its set of changes, be it with school, work, habits, people, whatever. And some changes feel more like an expectation than a conscious decision, like graduating college, getting up early for work, or seeing your therapist less. With things that take time, you expect the change to happen, you constantly live in a transitional period until it’s all done—when the change finally comes. Everything has its end and its beginning, and I think taking control of change happening is when you finally decide to start something new. Alternatively, you could be ending something from the past.

Change is everywhere and change happens all the time, and the end of a year followed by yet another one seems to be the glaring help signal in the sky for change to really happen this time—swearing that things will change, that things will be good, that there is hope to be felt for what’s next. You could easily refute the hope of a new year by saying, “change doesn’t need a date,” or “you can make changes any day you want,” which is undoubtedly true. But the start of a new year is familiarly referred to as starting anew, to have a clean slate.. a clean slate to dirty with new issues that you didn’t realize you had!

Enough of the pessimistic view, we don’t need that—it’s a new year, after all! Though the possibility of old habits and ways of thinking are bound to resurface, we should revel in the collective belief that we will improve ourselves and our lives. This happens every year, the Old Year’s Regret turning itself into the New Year’s Hope, then again, and again. We should strive to hold onto this optimism. Pessimism is unproductive and it makes your woes into a self-fulfilling prophecy.. your misery will be your downfall. And I could turn this into a lecture about how staying positive will only benefit you (and I think it will!), but I would be a hypocrite to preach about being cheerful and optimistic when the latter half of 2024 was tortuously stagnant.

But 2024 was not all hopeless and heartbreaking. I tend to gravitate towards the somber events in my life, but most of this year was actually quite lovely, despite some big losses, being hurt, and being in a long transitional period. In February, I won an award for an essay I wrote, and it meant a lot of things to me; after feeling defeated by taking a semester off from college, I felt unsure of my ability as a writer.. but it seemed that other people enjoyed the essay, enjoyed my writing, and I was recognized for it. When I read the email telling me I won for the nonfiction genre, it felt surreal that the English department looked at my work and liked it enough to let me win. Looking back, I think there are many improvements that could be made, and I wish I tuned it a little better before submitting it, but I think that coming out on top despite its flaws is notable..! What winning meant to me was reassurance that I was doing something that I loved, which could be simply put as writing; however, I think what I like the most about (creative) writing is sharing a relatable experience through observation. Winning that award reaffirmed that, perhaps, I am a good writer, and that I have decently honed this skill (which my current job seems to prove). The Malcolm C. Braly Award made me realize that I enjoy writing quite a bit and that it is, indeed, a passion of mine—there was no longer any doubt in me that I could do it, and do it well. And to outwardly praise myself and my ability to write feels uncouth, it feels wrong, I feel shy saying it—but I won an award for it, and that means something, I think.

Over the next couple of months, I laid low while riding on the high of being recognized for something I wrote. My relationship took a turbulent turn, and some very hurtful things were said to me. Arguments became more common, tension was a constant feeling, love felt more begrudging. Eventually, things came to a head, and the relationship ended. I said goodbye to 6 years of my life and my partner during that time. It was difficult to believe that things were truly over, but at the same time, it felt incredibly freeing. The details of what happened and why things ended will be spared, for chronicling the end of a long-term relationship with a rocky end is, for once, too personal—I know I enjoy writing about my experiences, but I’d also like to respect the privacy of my former partner. It was difficult. I’m still processing the relationship and feeling very different emotions about it in random bursts; however, I cannot say I regret the love I felt and experienced. Though there were some permeating issues throughout the relationship, I felt that I was loved to the best of their ability, and I did the same. I’m grateful for the way that I was able to grow in that relationship and what it taught me about love—love for myself, love for others. I will hold it dear to my heart, despite the complicated emotions around it, and around them.

With love being on the mind, shortly after, I stumbled into a reunion with someone from the past, someone who I felt I had unfinished business with. It was a flash of heated excitement when we got together again, and, dare I say it, it was a welcomed return. I felt like the world around us didn’t exist and couldn’t lay a finger on us when we were together—not even in a romantic sense. It felt unreal to meet another person I connected so well with, and I enjoyed the kind of person I was around them: funny, witty, playful. One could even say I was flirty—and I surely was. Through our interactions, I learned that I really enjoy being a mischievous, playful person.. or maybe I just liked being those things around them. But then you start to get too close to funny, witty, and playful, and things start to become scary; what is beyond funny, witty, and playful? I was more than ready to see beyond those three things, and I wanted nothing more but to see beyond that, but sometimes things just do not work out the way you want them to. Love was on the mind, but perhaps I took things too seriously too quickly (more like over the span of 4 months—which, in retrospect, is quite quick by my standards), and love was nowhere to be found. Love was on the verge of spilling out from my side, but was quickly sewn up after a botched word vomit of feelings via text—and oh, how embarrassing it was for me… But once again, I feel no regret for letting myself love and show my love.

But platonic love will always be there for me: my best friend has shown me so much love this year, and I think it is the greatest love I have been able to experience after clumsily kicking it around so often. We ventured off to New England in August for a week, and it was a life-changing experience: to see the world with someone you love and to feel true companionship and compatibility during that felt like clearly seeing how every moment has led up to this. I understood that I chose her and she chose me as we rolled along back roads in New Hampshire, from Boston to New York, through the ocean-lined roads of Maine. But really, I knew this all along. This trip only further solidified it. What is really mind-blowing to me is that after understanding such an intense feeling of love, it can grow even more. Perhaps this was the experience with love I was looking for—to see someone in their entirety, and to have their love capture you, and the feeling be mutual.

From what I’ve gathered after reflecting upon this whirlwind of a year, it’s that love IS enough. I had the thought that love was not enough with the end of my relationship, but love is what has fueled me throughout 2024. Love for myself, love for others, and love from others. Platonic and romantic love seem almost difficult to distinguish from each other—I find that love, for me, comes from the depth of which I care for a person. And by that definition, I think I have been loved and have loved many times this year. I’ve sort of rushed this ending because my best friend is on her way to celebrate the start of 2025 with me, but I think what I’ve wanted to say is there: love is enough, enough to end things, to begin things, to strengthen something. Love will always be there and it requires care and courage to unabashedly love yourself, love what you do, and love others.

Here’s to hoping that 2025 will grant me the opportunity to love even more. Bye-bye, 2024.