grossly sincere

April 10th, 2025

What is the feeling I’m feeling right now? Listlessness? Emptiness? Restlessness? It sort of feels like everything is slipping from my fingers and onto the next thing. I feel a deep sense of impatience. I’m chasing something for more stimulation. Is this self-destruction? I want more excitement. I want something fun. Exhilarating. Mind-blowing.

This is a Real Blog Post (and a short one, at that) featuring me Talking About Random Stuff, starting with an excerpt from my journal. I’m writing this on the 18th, but I’m looking back at my previous journal entries, and that passage hit me like a truck. I’m always teetering on the edge of total rebirth and spontaneous death, or, that’s what many of my plights listed in my journal seem to read as.

Speaking of writing, today, I spoke to one of my professors about applying for grad school. I’m trying to think of what I want to get out of going to grad school. My heart is screaming for joy at the idea of being able to talk about writing with really terrific professors again. I guess I’d like to be able to take my writing further and do some intensive research and study to improve my craft. I want my grad school experience to be rigorous, challenging to the point of a mental breakdown, and incredibly rewarding.