grossly sincere

Hello, everypony.

Just a little rambling blog post to show you all that I am alive and thinking about (and right now, doing) writing. I’ve been terrible about writing lately, even writing down some personal thoughts in my journal. It’s felt so intimidating, and I think part of that is just me avoiding really thinking about my words, and by extension, my thoughts. Something about being unable to see myself on the page, or avoiding my reflection. There’s just a lot swirling around in my head these days about myself in relation to others.

I have been saying a lot of sentences starting with, “I need to” and “I should.” You know what I need? To stop saying that. It doesn’t make me feel better about not getting around to doing something, whether it’s as mundane as donating clothes to the thrift store or finally confronting a flaw in my character that needs work. Beating myself up about my lack of action only makes change feel more daunting. It puts a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect.

Ah… the perfectionist comes out once again. I didn’t know that perfectionist me still existed; I thought I let go of her. Of course, she’s still part of me, but I thought she was in retirement, ya know?  The perfectionist in me is cruel. She has unrealistic expectations. She claims to understand why I’m not perfect and that it’s okay to be imperfect, yet she loses it when she inevitably faces her imperfections. I am a walking contradiction.

Last year was about letting go, but I don’t really know what this year is about. There was a discussion of free will, and that stuck with me, but I don’t know if it resonated with me the way the phrase and concept of “letting go” did. I suppose it felt a little more special because it was during a big change in my life, and it made doing such a thing feel easier. It’s nice to name and label things. To personalize every part of your life…

I think I’m going to conclude this post here. I have much to ponder, and more reflecting to do. Sometimes I wonder which Erica is real, the one who wants, or the one who takes action. I sort of wrote a little bit of poetry, so perhaps I will divvy it up and post it sometime soon. More writing must be done, and it WILL be done. Bye-bye for now!